Soap Bitch

In their neverending quest to heap misery on the characters like a child pulling legs off flies, EastEnders writers have once again targeted hatchet-faced menace Shirley Carter. She's got another crisis swarming up, not content with the misery of having brought insipid Deano and smug Carly into the world, nor with watching her hapless ex Kevin die in the car lot. (Note to EastEnders writers: Shirley's best mate Heather cannot be relied on to support Shirley through many more crises. Even the owner of so stalwart an Alice band is bound to crack at some point.) Poor old Shirl. The worse, really, because with her special brand of tense, scowling anti-world rage, she's one of the best female characters they've got. Goodness knows what would happen if Albert Square was left to rely on the likes of dimwitted Honey Mitchell or mouthy miniKat Stacey Slater to fly the flag for feminism. Why the writers hate Shirley so much is unknown. Perhaps they're trying to see how far One Woman And Her Gilet can be pushed with good ol' Hev and chirpy Vince Monks (Bobby Davro) to support her. Or maybe they just loathe karaoke.
Meanwhile, at the Weatherfield ranch, Sheriff Steve takes to teenager-belting after babyswap Alex nearly loses little Amy, the Silent Child. Why are you worrying, Steve? Not only is Amy genetically manacled to the Rovers, as are all her clan, but with Tracy "From Tapes To Murder" Barlow for a mother she's probably pretty handy with one of those dolls, too. The real concern here is that, given Michelle's sleek bob, both biological son Alex and nurtured son Ryan are competing fiercely for the Adam Barlow Trophy for Emo Helmet hair. Rumours are rife, too, that David Platt's girlfriend Tina is going to announce that the devil in Ted Baker has impregnated her (and presumably change her name to Rosemary). This despite the care that mum Gail took to issue the virginal Evil One with barrier protection! Satan's seed must be strong swimmers.
And now in Emmerdale, having booked it all, gorgeous Paul and Philip Schofield-alike Jonny are having doubts as to whether they should get married. Of course they are doomed; they are a soap couple. That alone damns them to relationship misery evermore. Don't do it, Paul; steal Grayson away from gormless wannabe Katie instead. Between sarky Paul and his alter ego Thelma Louise, there's surely enough to keep even Gray shackled to one person.
While age-gap lovers Zoe and wrinkly Mike are unmasked in Hollyoaks, to the kind of venom from Mike's daughter Sarah that she usually only aims at Craig, running even to major injury. Have a heart, Sarah, you gobby school-bully type; after an eternity wed to control freak Kathy and fathering you and gymslip misery Amy, doesn't poor old Mike deserve a break?