save yourself the price of confetti...

Once upon a time, bouncy teenaged Ollie Reynolds left Emmerdale for the big city, presumably in a fit of misery due to knowing that the only fit bloke in the village was off-limits, having been cast as her dad. Deciding to head for Weatherfield, she modified her name to Molly and acquired an unattractive baking eccentric father instead. This week, in a bid to acquire the sadly vacant throne of St. Vera Duckworth, she married the good-natured if brainless Tyrone Dobbs.
I don't know why you bothered, Molly. It is a universal truth of life that no soap marriage survives more than a week. Sunita Alahan spent approximately a hundred and eight years stood at the end of the bar in the Rovers, wearing the same denim jacket and sighing over Designer Dev. As soon as he proved himself willing to shell out for a wedding befitting a Bollywood masterpiece and equip his new wife with a baby bump of house-size proportions, Sunita fled. (Which, if she had the sense she was born with, she'd have done the first time he spoke to her.) Shelley Unwin was barely a Barlow before she discovered that husband Peter was merely a timeshare spouse. Maria Sutherland married Liam Connor all of about half an episode before he was mown down on the cobbles like Lisa Duckworth before him. Though, to be fair, his heart wasn't in it.
But, all the while that Liz McDonald's suitors came and went, we knew that we could have faith in Ken and Deirdre's long association. This is the couple who fell into bed to celebrate their first divorce, whose two marriages are as nothing to the enduring strength of their association. Wendy Crozier fled weeping, Samir Rachid left only a kidney to remember him to the acidulous Barlows...but now there's a new temptress in town, and her sights are set firmly on the Street's premier heartthrob. As Sable Colby sashays down the cobbles for the first time, can the Barlows survive the onslaught of shoulder pads and killer heels?
I bite my nails. Lay in the fags, Deirdre. It's going to be a hard year.

murder most cheap

The eternal question, the perennial wonderment soap fans sometimes feel as to why anybody on a market trader's income can afford a house in the Square (taciturn barmaid Tracy probably has to commute in from Keighley every time she has a shift) has finally been resolved. Do you want to hear the answer? Do you? All right, here goes...
It's because you are safe from nobody. Except possibly Minty. And maybe not even him.
Mumsy Tanya Branning buries people alive, and not just in fake tan as one would expect from Walford's premier beauty salon. Her daughter Lauren has already started a murderous career at the tender age of twelveteen by attempting to bump off her own dear balding ginger daddy. (The real criminality about that was that she didn't hide it very well. Everybody knew.) Janine Butcher hasn't been punished at all for shoving hapless oaf Barry Evans off a cliff, and now is busy trying to reinvent herself as the mastermind of R&R. (With what qualifications, Janine? GCSE Deviousness is not really what we are looking for in a club owner.)
Well, how about little Dotty Cotton? Namesake of the world's most put-upon pensioner? Comfort of Dot's tragic old age? Old-fashioned little Dotty with her plaits and her Fair Isle cardigans? Nope, it turns out she's a would-be murderer too. She'll be attempting to kill her grandmother within the next few weeks. Sorry.

In their neverending quest to heap misery on the characters like a child pulling legs off flies, EastEnders writers have once again targeted hatchet-faced menace Shirley Carter. She's got another crisis swarming up, not content with the misery of having brought insipid Deano and smug Carly into the world, nor with watching her hapless ex Kevin die in the car lot. (Note to EastEnders writers: Shirley's best mate Heather cannot be relied on to support Shirley through many more crises. Even the owner of so stalwart an Alice band is bound to crack at some point.) Poor old Shirl. The worse, really, because with her special brand of tense, scowling anti-world rage, she's one of the best female characters they've got. Goodness knows what would happen if Albert Square was left to rely on the likes of dimwitted Honey Mitchell or mouthy miniKat Stacey Slater to fly the flag for feminism. Why the writers hate Shirley so much is unknown. Perhaps they're trying to see how far One Woman And Her Gilet can be pushed with good ol' Hev and chirpy Vince Monks (Bobby Davro) to support her. Or maybe they just loathe karaoke.
Meanwhile, at the Weatherfield ranch, Sheriff Steve takes to teenager-belting after babyswap Alex nearly loses little Amy, the Silent Child. Why are you worrying, Steve? Not only is Amy genetically manacled to the Rovers, as are all her clan, but with Tracy "From Tapes To Murder" Barlow for a mother she's probably pretty handy with one of those dolls, too. The real concern here is that, given Michelle's sleek bob, both biological son Alex and nurtured son Ryan are competing fiercely for the Adam Barlow Trophy for Emo Helmet hair. Rumours are rife, too, that David Platt's girlfriend Tina is going to announce that the devil in Ted Baker has impregnated her (and presumably change her name to Rosemary). This despite the care that mum Gail took to issue the virginal Evil One with barrier protection! Satan's seed must be strong swimmers.
And now in Emmerdale, having booked it all, gorgeous Paul and Philip Schofield-alike Jonny are having doubts as to whether they should get married. Of course they are doomed; they are a soap couple. That alone damns them to relationship misery evermore. Don't do it, Paul; steal Grayson away from gormless wannabe Katie instead. Between sarky Paul and his alter ego Thelma Louise, there's surely enough to keep even Gray shackled to one person.
While age-gap lovers Zoe and wrinkly Mike are unmasked in Hollyoaks, to the kind of venom from Mike's daughter Sarah that she usually only aims at Craig, running even to major injury. Have a heart, Sarah, you gobby school-bully type; after an eternity wed to control freak Kathy and fathering you and gymslip misery Amy, doesn't poor old Mike deserve a break?